`[N]ever.[B]e.[R]eplaced -

Gone

2010-07-25T13:36:00.005+08:00

Once again, i'm back to this lonely path, blogging my soul again..

It's gone and it's really gone.. I initiated it and i knew that's what my counterpart is looking forward all along..

Sooner that my expectations, guys was her first priority straight away.. Deleting me off from FB means what? I know the purpose of it and i'm not dumb.. It gives you a better opportunity to accept as well as add guys like what you've been doing in the past before we even got tgt.. You just simply couldn't live your life without these guys.. You're tempted all along but you can't.. What about me? Did i went searching for unknown girls and adding them up? I only accept people that i really know them, but unlike you, not only just accept, you even initiate to add those you've once chatted before yet never meet at all.. What would have happened if i were to turn it the other way round, which is me doing all these? Out of all your msn contacts, merely close to 3quarter of them are unknown personnels and yet only these 3 person you add to your FB? Wasn't it obvious these are the particular one you've recently been chatting eversince you started logging back to your msn recently?

Things you dislike me to do yet you yourself does it all the times.. Asking me to delete unknowns from my list and i did it with no complaints. Reason being was simply, it's because i love you that's why i'm willing to do all this so.. Yet what about you? More than half unknown guys yet you practically deletes nothing except for your two ex-es.. Thereafter, all i can see are increments..

Accusing me? Framing me? Using body and guys to make me feel more hurt all the times, ask yourself this, have i ever engage to any of these to hurt you? Ask youself ! That's what i get.. LOVE? i doubt so.. Don't think i won't know you've already been engaging with guys the moment before we broke off.. The difference between now and then is the word aggressive.. More aggressive in knowing guys after being tied down for so long.. Leopard will never change its spots.

This is the kind of life you're suppose to live, with guys chatting with you, dating you out, knowing you and doing whatever with you.. FUCKING SHIT !

Wrongest thing i've done in life is having a FB and knowing you thus making myself so FUCKING HURT !

Learning to be strong and picking myself up once again.. Love, it's always full of pains..
*cries ..............

Same old script with the same old cast

2010-07-09T13:14:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very very sad and unhappy.

It's gonna be a solo Birthday for me again. Everything seems to be my fault. You think i want it? You think i don't wish to have you to celebrate my Birthday with? Today is my Birthday eve and i couldn't take leave as i gotto attend my company's dinner. You think this is my choice? On my Birthday itself i need to go for my NDP parade rehearsal that will finish late, you think is my wish?

There's just so much that i don't wish to say out. Just like a moment ago in FB.

Fuck it. This isn't the first time i've got cheated anyway. I'm always being cheated over and over again.

Back to Square One

2010-05-11T17:57:00.000+08:00

Once again, I'm back to this lonely and meaningless path..

*cries*

what is life?

2010-04-17T20:21:00.000+08:00

I just feel so uncontented with life.. Everyone I met in life are so fake..

Hate this bitch life of mine to the core!

I Hate Myself

2010-03-30T16:24:00.004+08:00

Inside me i'm feeling so terrible.. Perhaps i'm really not a good bf.. I asked for too much in a r/s.. I committed myself willingly into a r/s and doing so much, yet expect it to be vice-versa. i guess i'm wrong.. I should tell myself this.. No one forced me to do all this.. I did all this on my own accord.. So i should not have such mentality of vice-versa? I'm just stupid..!

I just couldn't think of a way to express myself out.. My memory seems to be getting bad.. I tends to forget things much more easily nowadays..

No one believes a word of mine.. I do, I mind, I scare, I worry, I care, I bother and i say is all because i loves you and i'm afraid all this similiar stuffs that are happening will become an re-enactment of the past i once faced.. I'm ain't comparing and i know the past and the present are all different people.. No one like themselves being compared with someone else.. But i'm really not comparing.. Just that everything seems like a repeat of my life.. Who else can understand? I've already said i couldn't describe how i'm feeling inside me and it's not that i didn't want to say. All the scenarios are like repeating itself and this is the reason that i'm sad, worried and scare of.. Cause everything that behaves in this way, outcome and ending of the story i've gone through... Say and say and say.. i just can't think of a way to bring myself out to let people understand.. i only know how i'm feeling now is really unbearable, but i can't think of how i should express all this agony i'm having.. Because of not having this ability to express things out in me, i'm easily being accused, framed or even cause my love one to fall out with me.. :(

Haissssssssssssss~!! i'm feeling so lost.. so lost..

If i were to lose someone i love and treasured so deeply this time round, i won't need anyone else to console or to look for me.. I'm not going to let anyone find me, be it who he/she is.. Need not bother to call/text me as i won't give a single fuck to all this anymore.. i can't assure or promise that i'll be fine, but i can assure that this time round i will treat myself much more worst than the past..

IS ALL BECAUSE OF ME ! :'(

Unspoken pains

2009-12-24T16:00:00.001+08:00

Been drinking heavily all this while.. Alot of things in mind that words couldn't be used to express out.. Don't know what to say and what to type.. That's it..

missing you .......

Day 372 of agony

2009-12-07T18:45:00.001+08:00

It's been a year.. 30 Nov 2008, the day she walked out from me.. Those flashbacks that happened on that particular night is so heart-breaking and beyond words could explain.. If i were to say i don't miss her, i'm denying.. Afterall, what's over is still over.. Time is all i need ! Sigh ~

Well.. nothing is missed out as i hasn't been doing much things recently.. Been attending parade rehearsals for 2 weeks and i look so dark now. Hate that lining on my forehead ! Practically nothing much, except for drinking..

Tried quite a few different environments drinking on various day.. Brought personal Chivas with mixer to Fort Canning in the middle of the night, drinking in hotel room, drinking in the car and drink while driving at the same time.. Was praying so hard that i'll never bump onto any roadblocks...

Went Zouk as well last Wednesday for a while..

Today was a half day parade training and tomorrow gonna be a long day again just like any previous rehearsals.. Having a day off on Wednesday, that means tomorrow night must not be wasted.. No one to drink with, no one to go out with and worst of all no place to go to!

Day 358 of agony

2009-11-23T02:37:00.000+08:00

The pain is killing me ... Not just that, sort of emo-ing at the same time..
Don't ask why, as there's isn't any reason i could give.. There's too much of ups and downs in my walk of life.. My life being played once again and again seems like a routine.. Nothing good in life seems to be approaching me at all..

Day by day, i'm leading the same old life, with the same old lifestyle and the same old me! Nowadays, even for a Fri night or even weekends is a home alone day for me.. What is happening?

Felt myself like an idiot at certain times.. A sore loser! When can those happy days of mine be back? Awaiting for someone in reality who can stand right infront to pick me up and bring those cheerfulness i once had, back to me.. Someone who really cares and will be there whenever i need a listening ear right by my side..

All i had are just imaginations and a imaginary guardian..

If only i could turn back the time ................................................................................. how wonderful would that be ......................................

Day 357 of agony

2009-11-22T14:50:00.001+08:00

Miserable.. That's the feeling..
Couldn't sleep again last night, so drank again at home..

After reading out some randomly, i knew i'll never get the chance..

Feeling an extreme pain in my gastric..

Day 353 of agony

2009-11-18T13:45:00.001+08:00

Falling sick soon i guess. Symptoms are on its verge of approaching. Most probably due to the lack of sleeps i'm having. Mind is full of confusion... Had some Martell last night..

i'm missing the feeling of having a companion by my side. After all this while, it's gonna be a year soon, yet realising i'm still in a square piece. How glad would it be if i could have someone who cares for me, showering me with loves and be there for me whenever i'm alone.

Although friends are around, but they still do have some of their own commitments to commit to. Life sad, it's just like a repeat of your daily task. Is either work or you get to sleep. There's time for fun, but there's never a place filled with fun even though funny peoples are around.

Hoping for a love one to come by, yet still rather afraid of getting hurt again. The phobia of getting hurt is just too much for me to handle.

Silly .......

Day 352 of agony

2009-11-17T12:46:00.000+08:00

Nothing to update actually. Hate myself for not being able to sleep everynight. Sigh!

Some things are just too good to be true in life.

Love me and cherish me for who i am and not taking me for granted like those heartless peoples who once hurt me so badly in the past. Once bitten twice shy, yet it is still a continual of one after another. Scariest and worst nightmare ever had !

I'm afraid to love, afraid to love so fast.
Because each time i fall in love, it never seems to last.

Day 330 of agony

2009-10-26T19:53:00.000+08:00

Shall do some sweet and short updates for the past week. All i can say is a hell week for me with all the late nights knock off hours.

Shall begin on Sunday night (18 Oct 2009). Went Telok blangah area, somewhere near to Vivo City for dinner with fellow cliques as the newly weds is giving us fellow brothers and sisters a treat for helping them out on their wedding day. Had Laksa Steamboat! After dinner, went over to Boatquay alone to meet up with Murphy and Weiqiang for some drinks.

As for Monday night, it's a long night for me cause i knocked off at 4am in the morning!

Tuesday night after work, went over to fetch Murphy and then to JB for petrol, supper as well as to meet up with Miki. What Murphy did to me shall not be mentioned! He himself will jolly well know it. And for Wednesday after work, went over to Boatquay again with Murphy for some buckets to kill the night. We even had some dispute with another customer over there.

Thursday night after work, went over to Bedok 85 for supper with fellow colleagues. Next, fetch Murphy and then to JB again for him to meet up with Miki. That's the distance relationship between them, hahas! Sucky right? lol..

And finally it's Friday, which is a day of no differences with any other days. After work, went over to meet fellow cliques for awhile as well as to collect my cashcard back from Patrick. Next, went down Boatquay alone again to meet up with Murphy and Weiqiang for some drinks.

As for Saturday, despite reaching home from Boatquay at 6am, i still woke up at 10am. Prepared myself and headed down to Marina Square's Paris International Buffet for lunch with some Officers and colleagues as a farewell gathering for our OC. Next, meet up with Gabriel, went Bugis for C&C and night time went over to the Airport to fetch the newly weds who just came back from their Honeymoon. After that, went over Bedok 85 for supper. Next, went Bugis for C&C again.

Thanks for the Chocolate and beers you guys bought for me and also helping me to buy my Armani Code. Much appreciated! =)

As for Sunday, which is yesterday, spent the whole evening reformatting my com. Else i wouldn't have come online today. Haha! Night time, went over to fetch Sam from work and then to Bugis for Mac while waiting for Yuren And Gabriel to come over. Again, went for C&C.

And for today, Monday (26 Oct 2009), worked as controller today with so many calls i've got to answer. Damn tiring yet still couldn't get to sleep.

My insomnia is getting bad and is real badly. Perhaps after you've gone and those torturings i did to myself causes all this.

Day 323 of agony

2009-10-19T12:18:00.001+08:00

It's back to a working day again. A tiring week i would say. Shall summarize abit to share what i've done for the week.

Thursday night went over to my poly's friend wedding over at Hilton Hotel. It's been so long since i last met up with those fellow mates. A nice evening i would say, catching up with old friends.

Friday went JB alone and almost got into a fight with one Singaporean at the Msia Custom. Freaking weak guy talk so much ask him come along with me yet never come. Spoil my mood for the day! Night time enter JB for the second time to help Patrick pump petrol for his car. The few of us didn't slept for the night and next was off to fetch the bride.

Saturday was Ken and Glenna's Wedding. 10 cars of ours all travelled in line throughout the journey to the bride's place. So many people just looked out from their window when we start horning and it looks so nice with all our 10 flower cars parked by the roadside. Shall not mention about the forfeits as it's pretty lengthy. After fetching the bride, went over to Marina Barrage for some shootings before we proceed on the the Bridegroom's house for the Tea Session. Next was vice versa, and evening was their wedding dinner. Short and sweet!

Congrats to Ken and Glenna! Stay happily ever after!

As for yesterday night, Ken and Glenna gave us brothers and sisters a dinner treat at somewhere near Vivo City. We had Laksa Steamboat. After that, went over boatquay to meet up with Murphy and Weiqiang for some drinks at Beer Belly.

Day 319 of agony

2009-10-15T11:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a stand down for everyone except for me and few others gotta go back to work. Again, i was chosen as a one man show tool store man. Doing all the daily accountability checks for that whole large tool store again! The worst part is when everyone from morning shift have already left at around 3pm yet no one came to inform me and i stupidly slacked over at the tool store till 4pm then i left. Wth!

Anyway, was having a very nice drinking session again last night over at Dragonfly with fellow cliques for the "Hen's Night". Hahas! Thanks to the Hen for that 2 bottles. Was asked by the girl next to our table to help her drink up the glass with basically more liqour than mixer as she loses the game of "Truth Or Dare". A Taiwan babe, lols! Sg is just too small, because the guy who was hanging out with them is my poly mate. No wonder i find him more and more familiar each time he talked to me.

That's about it for the "Hen's Night". Next would be tomorrow for the "Bachelor's Night".

Day 317 of agony

2009-10-13T20:58:00.000+08:00

Freaking shag! Being told to stand in as a tool store man for the day, yet it really turned out to be a one man show for me. Did my SOD for the whole freaking large tool store in the morning by myself. Been doing everything by myself for more than 3/4 of the day. Wth!

Another issue is the installer i bought yesterday can't be use! Waste my time and effort removing this and that, yet the outcome turned out this way.

Shall try doing abit of the CF on my frame to see whether does it really works anot.

Compromise is just a way of pleasing. Make nothing out of it.

Day 316 of agony

2009-10-12T03:24:00.000+08:00

A working Sunday for me slacking in the tool store watching President's Star Charity. Nice musical showcase! Didn't knew that Gurmit Singh could actually dance so well. Impressed!

Knocked off, met up with R, S, W, G and K for awhile before i head home. It's a off day tomorrow and i need to go over JB to get some things done.

After much consideration, Kuromi will not be out so soon till i get everything of mine to stable down first. Anyway, i don't use it that often, so it's ok to wait. Good things just need to wait !

There are two of you, each pulling in different directions. Today they find harmony.

Day 315 of agony

2009-10-11T13:28:00.000+08:00

Slacked at home for the whole afternoon yesterday. It's only till night time then i went over to Boatquay for some drinking spree. Went Nemo followed by UP which is just next door for another round. Nothing much over there besides drinking. Left there at almost close to 6am in the morning and then home sweet home.

Someone says he saw her and it was lucky that i didn't tagged along with him to that area he's going over to. Else, what would happen to me if i met her face to face...

Day 314 of agony

2009-10-10T03:35:00.000+08:00

Again, went to Simpang Bedok after work with fellow colleagues for supper.

Just back home from my midnight jog again. Gonna take a shower now and then have some Chivas to help put me to bed. Goodnights!

Day 313 of agony

2009-10-09T13:38:00.002+08:00

Wasn't much workload for yesterday, but ended up being called to replace someone as the KO. After knocked off, went over to Simpang Bedok for supper with a few colleagues. Saw Murphy, Jeremy and Cos over there and chatted with them for awhile. Back home at around 2am plus, turned on my computer, took a shower, had some Chivas while using the computer and lastly, goes to bed!

Accidentally sustain a small cut on my leg.

Day 312 of agony

2009-10-08T01:53:00.000+08:00

Had an early dismissal from the briefing yesterday, therefore, went over to Jurong Point Kui-Shin-Do for lunch with fellow colleagues. Edmund give me a lift home.

Next, went bishan alone for a swim and then meet up with Yalin as she need to get some stuffs for her wedding. Shirley then came along. After than, went over to PS for dinner and then off to Orchard Central meet up with Sam. Back to Serangoon A2 to meet up with Ronald for awhile and that's about it.

Realised that i'm getting lesser and lesser friends. Initially was already just a handful, but now it doesn't even seems to be a handful of them. What can i do? Facts of life as everything is beyond my control. All i can do is to accept it and not begging for it. If were to beg for it, what are friends for? I'm feeling so left out nowadays and everything seems to be drifting away from me. No one understand how it feels till such things happen on him/her. Maybe to people out there, i'm just different from anyone else. Despite being one who is loyal to friends and one who cherish friendship so much, that's nothing else i could say now. Let nature takes its course!

How i wish for a love one who can be by my side to share all this unspoken words and feelings of mine together with me. As least i wouldn't feel so lonesome for all this while. All i need is just a companion.

Day 311 of agony

2009-10-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

Just back from jogging. Though it's kinda tiring, but jogging in the middle of the night is so refreshing. Gotta engage myself into more healthy lifestyle frequently if possible, as i'm getting fatter nowadays with not just plain fats, but beer belly as well. In order to enjoy my personal drinking leisure with no worries, i've gotta do all this workouts.

Tomorrow gotta wake up early as i'm going over to a far far camp to attend a briefing session. So, no drinks for me tonight! Sigh~

Hmm, that's about it. Goodnight folks!

Day 308 of agony

2009-10-04T23:09:00.001+08:00

Went out yesterday with fellow cliques to marina barrage to see full moon. And nonetheless, i had my beers as usual. This time was Anchor Beer. Damn Cheap! 2 big cans for just around 5bucks. Not too bad though is my first time drinking that beer. Smooth is the word i can describe it. Next, went over boatquay for awhile. Received a call from Wenhui and helped her friend by giving advices through the phone on how to start his bike, that has broken down halfway at orchard road. Accompany Patrick for some stupid acts. Now i know why he's so free all the times doing meaningless thing... Haha!!. Back home at 6am!

And for today, got this big bully to give me a morning call at 11am as i'm going over Elaine's place for her daughter's 1 month. Reached there at 1pm plus and stayed there till 3.30pm. After that, went over PS for movie, The Ugly Truth. Nice and hilarious. Recommended! Next, went over to Chinese Garden awhile for a post mid-autumm festival walk.. Haha! Did enjoyed myself seriously as i've not gone out like this for quite some times. Always coped myself at home! After that was home sweet home!

Day 305 of agony

2009-10-01T14:41:00.002+08:00

Super duper low morale.. Gonna kanna extra for sure.. Still gotta do mass briefing over incident later.. shag!

Day 305 of agony

2009-09-30T04:04:00.000+08:00

It's such a bad bad day with all shits happening around. Just back home from work and also taken a shower. Gonna have my self-cook Mee Goreng and my can of carlsberg for supper. So damn hungry now! Hope this beer can helps to make me sleep soundly and not think randomly instead.

Day 302 of agony

2009-09-27T09:41:00.000+08:00

Been jet-lagging throughout this whole week. Tired yet couldn't get to sleep! Sigh.

Yesterday, went JB with Gabriel in the early afternoon till night time then back to SG. Went back for a shower and then head over to Sentosa's Cafe Del Mar to celebrate Glenna's Birthday. Drank about 5 or 6 bottles of carlsberg with my fellow drinking kakis, Charmaine and Patrick Neo despite i'm there with an empty stomach. The last meal i had was Bak Kut Teh in the afternoon over at JB.

Overall a fun night with all fellow friends gathered together!

Happy Birthday Glenna !

Day 297 of agony

2009-09-21T15:54:00.000+08:00

I'm back in SG. What a long long flight again leaving my ass so numb and pain. A 16hours of flight again without including those transit waiting time in between.

Suddenly, this period of time makes me remind back of those days i always travelled to Bishan to have lunch with you before my work in an alternate week basis as you're selling mooncakes there. That's the very beginning of our startup and it's so unforgettable. Helps to flatten those cupboards and bringing them to the garbage area for disposal together. The unforgettable moment and nice scenery view we had at this particular place with a full glass panel window.

day 292 of agony

2009-09-16T03:33:00.000+08:00

Dismissed early today and went over to the artist market. Stuffs over there are cool especially those artistic displays made using liquors and beers bottle. Cool! What's more impressing are the paint work which look so realistic and their colors are so well painted and shaded. Next, went over to Giraffe Noodle Bar, which is an Asian cuisine restaurant with classy ambience and rnb musics. Ordered their giraffe special and lemonade as my drink. Not too bad!

Nothing much! Gonna finish up my bottle of Tuborg Beer and off to sleep if possible. Gonna wake up early again tomorrow. The time is now 10.30pm over here.

Day 291 of agony

2009-09-15T04:27:00.000+08:00

Shall do a quick update here. Yesterday had a fulfilling and delicious dinner feast with fellow mates and COs. Drank quite alot with mixture of both beers and wines served over there. Carlsberg, White wine, Red Wine and also a beer that was recommended by them to me which i find it real nice, called Tuborg. Ordered a set of beef entrecote as my main course, but the appetizer itself already almost got me full including all those drinking i had before my main course was being served. The place was nice and the restaurant was situated by the side of the sea where all the yachts are parked. Back to my apartment, was rather shag, so went to bed quite early. After much drinking yet thinking i would be able to have a good night sleep finally, but who knows after i only slept for 2hours, my insomnia came again. Been turning and flipping throughout the night on my bed with intermittent sleep. Worst off is i still had a bad bad nightmare. Not exactly a nightmare though but some bad things which i recalled in my dream that seems so realistic. Haiz! Don't wish to mention about it.

Day before yesterday, spent around 200plus USD on Ahava's Products. Being filial enough to get all this good and high end skin care products for my mum.

As for today, went jogging in the evening by almost the same route towards the Mediterranean seaside. Thereafter, went to a nearby store to get some additional Ahava's Product.

That's all about it. Time now here is 11.27pm. Gonna have my Heineken now! Good night!

Breakfast and Beaching

2009-09-12T18:20:00.001+08:00

Just came back from the beach. Had waffles with hot chocolates plus maple syrup and a glass of orange juice for breakfast this morning by the beach. Nice! Reason is because the waffle comes with my favourite whip cream to go along with it. =) Had a bubble gum flavoured ice-cream too which is hot pink in color. Too bad, no camera with me to take picture of it down. =(

Gotta wash my shorts as well as take a shower now. Time now here is 1.20pm.

Day 288 of agony

2009-09-12T02:28:00.000+08:00

Gotta wake updamn early at 7am (Sg time 12pm) today yet i still went out last night to buy some beer drink to kill the night away. The driver was reached downstairs at 7.30am (Sg time 12.30pm). Took 1hr plus journey travelling to the North. The weather there is freaking hot than SG but for sure it's not as humid as SG. Was indeed a very large exposure today and also a very good experience. Took alot of pictures and some videos over there too.

Had lunch over at somewhere deserted which is along the desert. LOL! But, guess what? That place is packed with tourists. Lunch i would honestly say it's awful in a sense that almost all dishes are salads with additional some beef meat and chicken if i'm not wrong. After lunch, went over to dead sea which is basically a beach with sea that you'll never sink. No matter what, you'll still be floating on the water. The muds dugged out from the sea and being applied all over my face and body are definitely good facial products which leaves my skins so smooth now. Haha! Wait for pictures to be uploaded and let them do the talking instead.

Back to my apartment at around 7pm (Sg time 12am midnight) after 1hr plus journey again. As usual, cooked my self sustainable meal and then laundry for my clothes. Bachelor's Life! Shall end here as i'm off for some drinking sensation again. Tomorrow morning most probably going for beach volley at our nearby beach (mediterranean sea) provided i don't get drunk tonight.

Day 287 of agony

2009-09-11T03:27:00.000+08:00

Last night, went over to peh's room with few for some drinking. But, who knows that stupid number guessing game made us drink up the whole bottle of absolute vodka in such a short time. Everyone was feeling so high! Pictures and videos are taken down.

And today, went to a market area with some small little stalls for a walk. Back to my apartment at around 7pm plus (Sg time is around midnight 12am plus), instant noodles for dinner again and then my laundry. So bored! Every night feel so coped up in this small little 2 room apartment with practically nothing except for a small little TV with no channels that are nice to watch except the MTV channel.

Afterall, life not really that bad staying abroad, just that occassionally will tends to feel lonely. Night spots are banned or rather is being restricted or forbidden to go. Hmmm, only can buy beers or liquors from grocery stores and drink in my room. Living is high over here, for example a set of western food with fruit shake cost around 96bucks (Sing dollar around 45). Average meals that are not so nice already cost between 10plus to 20plus sing dollar. Shag! Luckily lunch is provided and food are not that bad which consist of turkey, beef, chicken and fish. Gonna grow fatter soon if i carry on eating like this with no exercise carried out.

Alright, shall end here. Both Friday and Saturday are the so-called weekends over here. Working day are on Sunday to Thursday. Tomorrow gotta wake up early and travel to the north to visit some culture places and then to the beach during the noon. It's now 10.30pm over my side.

Day 285 of agony

2009-09-09T01:50:00.002+08:00

Went drinking last night at a live band pub. Ordered a mug of Carlsberg beer and never did i expect it to be such a big mug.

As for today, just returned back to my apartment after jogging along the beach side. The breeze was cool and the scenery together with the sunset view is just so different from SG.

Gotta cook my own dinner as well as do some washing for my worn clothings now. Shall have more Vodka tonight so i can go to bed early, else i'm gonna have a hard day every morning with the sleepy mood bugging me all day.

Shall upload some pictures I've took when i'm able to make the effort. It's now 8.50pm over my side.

Sad to say i dreamt of her last night again. Haiz! Wherever i drink, such things came to my mind. Miss the time she squeezes those blackheads or pimples off my face, the hugs she gave me, the cards game only i've played with her before in my room, the clothes washing i did for her, the same little bed we slept together on and more i don't wish to say. Just miss her so badly! *speechless*

Day 283 of agony

2009-09-07T04:49:00.000+08:00

Finally can do some updating here. Currently overseas for some certain reasons at a particular country.

Pain in the ass! My ass is aching after 12hrs+ of flight to Frankfurt Germany, followed by 2hrs of waiting cum loitering at Frankfurt's airport while waiting to transition to another country for another 4hrs flight. Long long and longest flight i ever took!

From Singapore to Frankfurt, i watched 3 movies namely, The Proposal (a funny yet touching show), Ong Bak 2 (not as nice as what i've expected it to be) and lastly a cantonese Hong Kong Film called Love Connected (Quite nice i would say). Played Super Mario Bros also for awhile as the graphic can't really make it and sad to say it's rather boring. Hahas! Didn't really managed to sleep well as my insomnia is still bugging me every night. Did managed to slept for awhile but not much though it was a rather long flight i took. At the same time was listening to some smoothing music too!

Arrived Frankfurt Airport at around 7am+ in the morning (based on their time zone, Sg was around afternoon 1pm+). The weather was cool or rather is cold i would say. It's only 12degree and i can see light smokes coming off my mouth when i speak. Rest of the time while waiting to transit was again walking around their DFS and loitering around. Took just a few pictures only as i'm rather lazy taking my camera in and out from the pouch and also turning on and off. So troublesome!

Reaching here where i am right now was around 4pm+ in the afternoon (based on the timezone here, Sg was around 9pm+ at night). Was fetched from airport to the apartment safe and soundly, hahas. Unpacked some daily use necessities only and headed down to meet the rest to familiar with the nearby places and then for dinner by the beachside. After dinner, scrolled around and then back to our apartment.

Nothing much except some issues that i'm rather lazy to type out. That's about it.

Oh ya, forgotten about today. lols! Evening went to a mall for a short walk. Ate a tropical fruit ice-cream (blueberry flavour actually) that is blue in color. Sweet and nice that even causes my lip and teeths stained in blue. Saw alot young pretty babes around the streets too! *drools*

Back to apartment, washed my clothes and also cooked my own starvation meal with limited utensils and cooking equipments. Should say there's no cooking equipment at al except for a single electric hot plat used for heating. Even the pot i used to prepare my noodle belongs to my friend! Pathetic.. But i still even my meal.. Hehe.. Maciam outfield feeling just that it's over at a much cosier environment. Had a bathtub bathe as well just now.. Hehe!

Shall stop here.. It's already 12 midnight over at my side already (Sg time almost 5am in the morning already). Gotta wake up at 7am plus later. Pictures to be up once i'm back depending on my laziness mood. Goodnight!

Day 276 of agony

2009-08-31T13:41:00.001+08:00

It's been so long since i last updated again.

Not really in a mood to blog anything presently. Feeling damn stressed up over some issues. Darn! I just yet to get any help at all yet! Not even a single hope at all right now! Shit!

No one will understand exactly how i'm feeling recently and the stress i'm going through. Trying hard everyday, texting and calling almost all my contacts but still to no avail. Guess people just doesn't trust me or my words! It's okay as i've already tell myself this; 'In future if anyone were to seek help from me, i'll only help those who once helped me before and not to those who simply turned their shoulder off.'

People who know me well or long enough will know i'll hardly seek this kinda help from anyone unless i really have got no choice. Does any of you guys think of this, how would people reflect on me? It's not easy asking and somemore is almost asking all that i know. FUCK!

A FRIEND IN NEED, IS A FRIEND INDEED ? CRAPSSSSsssssss!!!

Sounds more like A FRIEND IN NEED, IS A FRIEND IN SHIT !! cause i'm in real deep shit now!

Nobody will remembers if you once helped them, yet they will only remember you once seeked their help.

Day 240 of agony

2009-07-26T18:34:00.001+08:00

Throughout this whole week, i seems to be reaching home everyday in the morning with the sun already on its verge of rising. Shag!

Friday, went Sentosa around 4am plus to slack. The bridge, the two towers and those chats we had. Another unforgettable night and would probably be the last one we 3 would have.

Went Boatquay with Gabriel last night and happen to see Murphy, Boon Chao and Jeremy nearby. We both drank quite alot due to many many reasons. Next thing i heard from Gabriel was, they both came down to look for us.

After eating, they left. Next, Patrick came. As usual, went to that 'Back Alley' again. Feelings doesn't seems happier compared to the first few times we went. Perhaps, might be the language used that sounds too much like a secret to us we don't understand. Together with a bit of lies.

Left at around 7am plus and went over Yukee for breakfast.

Day 235 of agony

2009-07-21T14:58:00.002+08:00

Last friday, went for steamboat at ECP with Gabriel, Patrick, Sam and Kitty. Had a short rounding session later in the night together with Terry, Ken, Ronald and etc..

Saturday was a drinking night, from Bunkers and then to HCX at middle road with Gabriel and Patrick. Next, Went over to ECP Mac for breakfast and then walked over to the sea side to relax till sunrise.

Sunday, brought my sis along to JB for some groceries shopping over at Jusco and also to eat. Washed my car and pumped petrol as well. Back home at around 8plus almost 9pm. Next, meet Gabriel and Patrick to drink again over at HCX.

Everything came so sudden and will definitely leaves very fast. It's been a long time since we last had this feel, moreover it's all 3 together. bringing that the most unforgettable one.

Day 225 of agony

2009-07-11T14:59:00.000+08:00

As usual, my birthday is so dead. No celebrations, no programs or places to go. Can't even think of a place which i can go to relax myself. Despite being given a birthday off yesterday, yet i was staying at home for the whole day.

Only till around 9pm plus, went out to meet some cliques for awhile before heading off to Boatquay's Temptation alone to look up for Boon Chao and co. Was already 2am when i reached there. Upon reaching there, happened to see Emilene and Qianyi walking along the roadside. Initially they were drinking over at 12 Element with their friends, but end up they joined us instead. And for our side, those people around are Boon Chao, Murphy, Jeremy, Yong Le, Wei Qiang, Sebas and few others.

Expect the unexpected, i 'so-called' celebrated my birthday over there unknowingly. Was approached by strangers one after another saying 'you're the birthday boy right?', drink. Unevitable scene! Received Birthday toast from Emilene, Qianyi, Yong Le, Jeremy, Wei Qiang, Murphy and some that i don't know their names.

After that, played a game with the use of poker cards which i think is rather stupid. This game can be played by anyone who knows or don't know how to play as the game is being explained while playing. Conclusion to this game is basically just to drink only. Keep drinking and drinking one. STUPID! Worst off is being the birthday boy for the night, damn unevitable. Was made to drink all the times and even the waitress choosed me to drink for her forfeits.

The worst part is coming when one of their friend by the name of Andrew if i didn't recall wrongly, bought a glass of flaming lambo for my birthday. Still owe Zhiyang and one more guy for their 2 glasses of flaming lambo that they gonna treat me as i'm driving. Doubt they will remember me eventhough they said they will. Haha! At around 3 or 4 am plus, Gabriel and Patrick came over too.

Not forgetting people like Murphy, Jeremy and Emilene who each sang a song for me. Thanks! (:

At around 5am plus after dranking a glass of hot water, i vomited. First time that i vomited after drinking.

Let's see what Angelia had done to my fore arm last night.

Left Temptation at almost 6am and walked over to look for Gabriel and Patrick outside Yuren's pub. Saw Crystal outside his pub too as she happened to drink over there with her friends. Chatted with her for quite awhile before she left with her friends. Back home at almost 7am.

Truth that hurts

2009-07-10T15:50:00.000+08:00

I'm just feeling so disappointed over what i've heard. Those things i did for you and time spent to accompany you, what are they? Love and effort i've put into the r/s, commitments i've made and trust i've given you, can you recall any of them?

Eversince your absence, those tormented periods i've went through, do you know how tough it was?

In the process of healing and mending my broken heart, yet letting me see you in bugis getting off another guy's bike. End up got blamed by you through msn for seeing me and causing some sorts of emotional disruptions to you.

Whatever you wish to say about me just go ahead as long your consious doesn't feels bad. It's heart-breaking but i still gotta bear with it. It's a fact that your life are never lack of guys. Whatever do, whoever you go out or make out with is not my problem and i'm not in the position to stop you from doing so.

Afterall, you're once someone i loved most. Whether anot you're a bitch i don't give a damn to it. Even if you admit you are one, i'll tell myself you're not. Just don't let me caught a sight of it as i know i wouldn't be able to take it.

Day 224 of agony

2009-07-10T01:20:00.001+08:00

Nevertheless, it's a lonely Birthday night for me again!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF, LONESOME !

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

..........

i'm still all alone .......

Day 221 of agony

2009-07-08T00:20:00.001+08:00

Just came back from work not long ago. Feeling bit of sick. Been sneezing all the way throughout work. So uneasy! Glad that i'm feeling much better now.

So bored! Having my off day tomorrow yet nowhere to go. Sigh! Going out slack for awhile since nothing better to do. Shall end here!

Misses those mesmerizing feel. Where's the missing part in me?
In-searching ...............

Day 220 of agony

2009-07-07T02:54:00.002+08:00

Last Friday Gabriel passed his class 3 and he rent a car for 3days. Went bugis for dinner and then to Kitty's house fetch her go Sam's workplace. After Sam knocked off, went over to Changi Village for supper with Ronald, Cynnthia, Ken, Yalin and Terry, followed by Loyang Dua Pek Gong. After praying, went over to Tampines Safra for a game of bowling before the rest heads home. Next, went Boatquay drink and also look for Yuren.

Pictures taken by Kitty at Orchard Central

On Saturday, went back to work in the afternoon for NDP standby till around 9.45pm. Went home bathe and then go over to Arena meet up with Gabriel and friends to drink.

As for Sunday, nothing much. Accompanied Gabriel to Turf City for car viewing together with Sam and Kitty. Night time went over Tampines Mall to watch ICE AGE 3 and then home sweet home.

Feeling so moody now. 3 more days to my Birthday yet i'm not at all looking forward to it. It's still the same old lonely me with the same old lonely Birthday.

Flashbacks of me and her strucks again eversince Sunday when Gab's car bypass her house. It makes me recall back what she said me when we just got together. I remembered i once told her i've never celebrated any of my actual Birthday with a love ones though i've got a few Ex-es.

Shall begin with my first love which lasted for 2 years. She's ain't local, but a malaysian who studied here in Singapore. She doesn't lives in Singapore and she travelled back to malaysia everyday in the beginning before she rent a place to stay over here. Therefore, my Birthday wasn't able to be celebrated with her.

For my second love, who was a colleague of mine when i worked in Ngee Ann City's Giordano outlet during my Polytechnic days. Remembered that i booked a chalet over at ECP which i've been looking forward to it yet turns out to be my most sadistic Birthday. She broke off with me just few days before my Birthday and thus making it the most emo and saddest Birthday i had. A Birthday filled with tears and without a smile. All i did was sitting at one corner, listening to love songs and then breaking down into tears if you guys still remembers. It was my 20^th Birthday then.

As for my third love which lasted for 2 and a half years when we begun on the 30^th of November in year 2005 and ended on 1^st of May last year 2008 (Labour Day). From the date we ended when she broke off with me, it's obvious i didn't get to celebrate my Birthday with her. As for the previous 2 years together, i only managed to celebrate once with her together with some buddies and guess what, it's a belated one. Reason being is she went holiday overseas with her parents and is around the same period of time for the 2 years.

As for my fourth love which is also the last one i had so far, above mentioned are what i've told her. Not forgetting the way how she embrace me in her arms and under her hugs, she told me not to feel sad anymore over the past and saying that now i've got her already and she would be there to celebrate it for me. Though i know all these words can be said easily by anyone, but i bet it wouldn't sound as sweet and heart-warming besides the one that you loved most. But right now, i know it's not possible anymore as she'd already broken off with me since 30^th of November last year 2008.

Birthday is just none other than a day that could bring so much of my unhappy memories/past to me.

Bringing back one of my favourite song by Michael Jackson, " You Are Not Alone ".

A nice song giving out it's emotional feel. Especially those first feel verse which reminded me the day she left my house without a goodbye after packing up her stuffs while i'm crying in tear and sitting aimlessly in the living room. The last glance i could only see is just a back view of her when she closed the door.

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

Somehow, still feeling miserable though it's already been so long. Bygones will always be bygones.

Day 211 of agony

2009-06-28T16:50:00.000+08:00

Finally, i'm updating my blog again. Just a blink of my eyes, it's another Sunday again!

Last Thursday night went drinking at Boatquay with Gabriel as well as to look up for Yuren. Opened a bottle of Martell at his pub. Patrick came over too and we left at around 2am plus.

Friday, went over to Club Zinc and happen to see Lisa as she was working there. Friend's friend opened 3 bottles of Martell and all 3 were finished up. Left there at around 5am plus.

As for yesterday, Saturday, went PS for dinner with Gabriel, Sam and Kitty. Next, went over Bugis to play Lan Game with Gabriel and Sam while Kitty met up with Xiaoxue for a chat. Watched Transformers at 12.30am with the usuals together with Terry and Nicole. After the show, went over to East Coast MacDonald eat and meet up with Sabri and co followed by Patrick. Left there at 5am plus.

Day 204 of agony

2009-06-21T17:07:00.000+08:00

It's Sunday again, the more boring day of the week. Been slacking at home eversince i woke up till now.

Not much activities recently. Had a BBQ cum gathering session at ECP on Thursday night to celebrate terry's release. On the same day itself, Gabriel's bike was stolen at around 7pm plus from his house downstairs. 2 malay guys was seen meddling with his bike and also turning on his headlight. Made a police report at our nearby NPC and at the same time also dissaminated sms to all other biker friends to help lookout for it. He's definitely sad and was so quiet throughout the night with not much words.

As for Friday, went for my bike inspection and then back home. Around late noon, called Gabriel and asked him out to eat as well as to look out for his bike. Fetched him and we went over to Kelantan Lane for laksa. Next, went over to bugis. At around evening time, Gabriel received a call from Terry saying that his friend saw his bike passby and heading towards Sim Lim Square. Without hassitation, we both put on our helmet and start the bike straight away to search for it. Went to places like Marina Square, Suntec City, Peninsula Plaza, Singapore Flyers, Esplanade, Cineleisure and town, but to no avail. Ronald, Ken and Sam covered other possible places like ECP and Changi Beach where most 'MUDS' hang out at. We then gathered at Changi Village for a drink before proceeding again.

Splited up to 4 teams and to meet up at West Coast MacDonald once done.
Mount Faber - Sam and I
Henderson Wave - Kitty and Gabriel
Labrador Park - Ron, Cynnthia, Terry and Nicole
Kent Ridge Park - Ken, Glenna and Shirley

When Sam and I arrived at West Coast Mac, received an sms by Gabriel that his bike was found at Sengkang Anchorvale Link Carpark. Headed there straight.

Police did a fingerprint search but also to no avail. This time round that 2 'MUDS' are just lucky to have got away from it. Happy and Glad that his bike was found too!

And for Saturday, accompanied Terry to see his bike at Ubi Xtreme and then to Kaki Bukit Bikewerks. Gabriel changed his ignition switch and i changed my rear tyre to a not so high performance one as my previous Alpha10 tyre thread burns out damn freaking fast. Used only merely 4 months, Wth!

Night time went over to Ah Cong's 21^st Birthday held at Aranda Country Club Chalet. Who knows, Terry, Gabriel and I ended up falling asleep over there till 3am plus and then we left.

Fun days are always tagged along with my saddist past

2009-06-16T01:41:00.001+08:00

Sam, no one will believe you're not an ah beng

Yuren, always with his fierce looks

Won't forget this pic man! I just got ditched yet he still can happily ask me go meet him and still gotta help him take PHOTO!

Snapshot of Gabriel at TM Food Court back in 2005

Our Godfather's Birthday back in 2005

Feeling sleepy in tutorial room during year 1

Waste my time helping him change that RED bubble visor behind 326. HAHA!

The usual Gabriel in the past, with his Zi Lian Pose back in 2005. Lols

Suntec City Carrefour - year 2005

The day we two went to act as EXTRA for a film taken at raffles hotel back in year 2005.

Typical HAI GAO

Patrick & Sam

Won't forget this day cause i broke my head at Bishan!

Gabriel's 17th Birthday at Fisherman Village - Year 2005

Gabriel & Rebecca

Shesha-ing~ look at the smoke - Year 2005 Boatquay Sahara bar

Handsome Patrick

The Shesha group

Patrick & Me

Patrick, Me, Ronald, Sam & Olga

Pa Logo sibo. Haha

Gabriel, Me, Ronald, Yalin, Ken & Yuwei

Gabriel, Patrick & Sam

Stevie Wonder lookalike

The most memorable chalet 2005! Survivors for all those hardcore drinking. It's also the chalet that i fall in love with that girl and got together. Hais!

Shagged!

See for yourself this pic. No comments!

My face is destroyed

Year 2005 Christmas Countdown at Esplanade

Sam loves this pic, cause the way Gabriel stand.

Gabriel, Sam, Me, Ronald, Yuren & Patrick

Nothing can bring us apart, forever brothers

Act Cute Guys!

Who can be more gayish than me?

Human Stacko

Snapshot!

Yalin's biggest effort for this Year 2005 X'mas log cake. She carried using one arm all the way to esplanade on Ken's SP.

The ah bengs loitering at void decks

MAKRO promoter days with Chin Guan at Bugis Junction

Sentosa

Sembawang Shopping Centre Sakae Sushi - Year 2006

My first bike accident at 99 Bend back in year 2006. Look what's behind me, i'm carring my whole side fairing on my back together with my bag infront. Will never forget how Ken, Yalin, Ronald all came to my rescue and even escorted me back. But the most angry thing is they make a detour to prata shop for supper first yet made me a laughing stock there with everyone looking at me carrying that big piece of fairing on my back like BATMAN!

Changi Beach on my Birthday when i'm still with her.

Taken by her at Suntec City Sakae Sushi.

My 22nd Birthday at Dhoby Ghaut Fish & Co. The last Birthday i ever celebrated having a girlfriend to celebrate with. Hais!

Guys outside Fish & Co. after my Birthday Dinner.

Photos of me taken by her.

Breakdance!

Sentosa again!

Those beaching days

Sentosa Days

Ronald, Ken, Terence, Me, Yuren, Gabriel & Sam

Dating secretly at Kent Ridge Park

Looking back each individual picture brings me back to the scene of it. Be it ups or downs for me, they will always be remembered. All this pictures just brought too much joy as well as hurts i got in between.

Those were the days

2009-06-15T17:12:00.003+08:00

When i'm in Sec 2

How we begin from unknown acquaintance to friends and now BROTHERS!

How SET came about. LOLs!

2003 Countdown

Look how slim Patrick was in the past

Ronald & Me

Me & Patrick

Taken during my most down days back in 2003

The ones who picked me up whenever i fall after so many failed relationships

Me & Yuren

Punggol End! Back in Year 2002

Gabriel (his ah beng days pic taken at Ronald's house)

Yuren

Terence & Melvin (2002 Chalet)

Olga

Patrick (look how ah beng he used to be)

Our Yandao Ronald

Sam with his bengyish hairstyle

Our 'Ter Ter' with his fav. slogan HUH?! all the times in the past

Looking back at all this pics, make us realised that how much we have all changed as well as AGED! Those fun days we used to shared. Remembering those days in bell-bottoms, JPG pouch, collar shirts walking down orchard roads. HAHA! Indeed memorable man!

Day 198 of agony

2009-06-15T01:50:00.000+08:00

Went JB on Sunday afternoon with Boy, Sam and Kitty. Both me and sam did the sidedoor LEDs at one of the Taman Sentosa car garage.

Next, went over to Pandan City for a walk and they managed to buy something for themselves. And as for me, just indulged myself with a Burberry Perfume that's all.

After that, we went over to Holiday Plaza and had PizzaHut for our dinner, while our cars are washing at the opposite.

Back to sg, went back to take a shower then off to Yalin's house downstairs slack awhile with Boy, Sam, Kitty, Ken, Ronald, Cynnthia and of cause Yalin as well.

That's how all my precious weekends are wasted every week. I would have probably wasted my Sunday staying at home doing nothing if there isn't a JB trip. Sigh!

Day 197 of agony

2009-06-14T13:30:00.001+08:00

Was a rather pathetic weekend for me yesterday. Spent almost 3/4 of the day at home with no where to go. Ended up was catching a movie at cathay cineleisure with mainly the usuals and additional of 2 other friends.

Watched the show 'Ghost of Girlfriends Past' and i would say it's a really nice and funny show. Worth watching indeed!

After the show, went over to Geylang Lor 35 area for supper and after that was woodlands as our 2 friends are staying over there. Home Sweet Home at around 5am.

Day 196 of agony

2009-06-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

Knocked off at around 12am plus last night. Went home to take a shower and then off to dam. Slacked there for awhile and then went for supper. Went home at around 3am plus.

Was browsing my photobucket album just now and happened to see some of my old pics uploaded years ago on the very back pages. Haha, shall post some of them out here.

Poly days

Taken in the lab during practical lesson.

Reddish Hair

Self-Obsession

Reddish Mohawk

Taken in cab after school

Highlights

Another highlights pic

Taken by ron at sukura restaurant (far east)

350Z Nissan Fairlady

Isometric Hairstyle Sideview

Isometric Hairstyle Backview

Kaiwei & me (condo house party days)

Jennifer & me (condo house party days)

Giordano Day (Feat. Me, Ebel & Zac)

Lagi years back pic, HAHA!

The most lagi lagi years back pic!

Day 195 of agony

2009-06-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

Finally, today is the last night flying for the week. Been so tired over the past few nights. Knocked off at 2am plus last night as all the A/C status was good.

Again last night, we proceeded for our durian hunting mission. This time round not just only our CN guys, but together with FC guys. We had a good start over there with 2 durians in just 2 - 3mins time. Next, we went further in to hunt for more durians. This time we've got another 4 durians.

Though we've only got a total of 6 durians which is lesser than our previous mission, but it's still a fun-filled night afterall. Ate finish all 6 durians in the forest before we leave the place.

Everyones' left for their own individual directions home. And for me, home sweet home at around 3am plus almost 4am.

It's a FRIDAY NIGHT, but i still gotta work!

Lastly, wishing Chin Guan a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY !
Sorry if i'm not able to attend your birthday chalet tonight as i've got no idea what time i'll be knocking off.

Day 192 of agony

2009-06-09T14:46:00.001+08:00

Night flying will commence today and long night is coming up.

Knocked off at around 1.30am last night and then went DURIAN HUNTING! Travelled all the way down to upper thomson road with edmund, weily and kenny for this fun-filled experience.

Thanks to edmund's powerful lamp which helps to guide our way through the jungle together with a total finding of 7 durians. That place are full of broken branches and also some fallen trees. Spider webs and ants are a common sight too.

In the beginning, we only found 3 durians and we opened up 2 of them to eat right in the middle of the forest. The taste is fantastic for a 'Government' sponsored durian. Haha!

Next, proceeded on to hunt for more and also to look out for the 'DROP' sound of fallen durians. So it's rather dangerous if people who doesn't know how to look out for durian trees might get hit by those fallen ones. The 'DROP' sound is damn loud when me and weily happened to hear one of them dropping down near us while we're chatting.

After our hunt, we took the remaining 5 durians found out of the forest and began to eat by the roadside. It's not an issue about having free durians to eat, but is the whole experience and fun brought out throughout the hunt.

Too bad we've got no camera with us to take them down as we went right after work.

Day 191 of agony

2009-06-08T13:22:00.001+08:00

This week is gonna be a long night again.

Hates accusation! Believe anot up to you. I hate people who doesn't have trust in friends and i don't mind losing one like them.

It's such a let down and disappointment.

Below are some pics copied from cynnthia's blog which are taken quite some times back.

Outside Loyang Tua Pek Gong

Car Rounding

Day 189 of agony

2009-06-07T13:32:00.000+08:00

This will be the new layout for my blog. It's much more neater than before and this is what i wanted. Simplicity!

The reason i'm changing to this new layout is partially because the previous one just brought too much memories to me, be it happy or sad. Though i've changed everything, but all this are just surface wise. Deep inside my heart, feeling still remains. Hoping to walk through all this once again.

I don't know whether my blog is being read by anyone, as i hardly see my tagboard being tagged. But, it doesn't matter as i'm not blogging for anybody except just using it as a form of expressing myself that's all.

All my previous postings can still be read once i sort out all the archives accordingly.

Was practically a very boring weekend for me again with no plans AGAIN!

Day 186 of agony

2009-06-04T09:55:00.000+08:00

After all these tough times that i've gone through, i realised that ..................
feelings for you remain.

This feeling sucks!

Day 181 of agony

2009-05-30T13:30:00.000+08:00

started with a bad day for me, but ended with a good one today. my alarm was set at 11.30am as i'm working at 1pm. but who knows when it rings, i pressed cancel instead of snoozing it for another 10mins. gosh! when i woke up it was already 12.45pm OMG! jumped out from bed and changed straight away without even brushing my teeths and going to the bathroom.

started my bike at 12.50pm and headed off straight. first time rushing and dashing to work like mad and maintaining 140km/h throughout the expressway. luckily i managed to reach and step into my department at 1.10pm. though i'm late for 10mins but lucky i'm not given any extras as our system has recently changed to a quite regimental one. *sweats* this is the bad thing i started my day with.

now it's how my bad day is being ended with a good one. i knocked off at 4pm plus and it's merely just 3hrs of work doing nothing precisely. went there, slack awhile then went up to our crew room to eat abit followed by clearing the lunch and then playing foosball. after that, went down relac awhile and that's it. isn't it a good day today? hahahah..

shall update abit about yesterday's stuff. was told to clear my off day yesterday and basically day till noon is a restless time for me just slacking around at home doing nothing. went for an haircut and then blah blah blah so on ..... night time went over to lim chu kang with fellow cliques and even done a good deed when we left there. shall not explain the whole scenerio as i find it abit too lengthy for me to type it all out. basically is we saw a guy hitch-hiking by the roadside helplessly in the middle of the night at around 3am. therefore intended to make a u-turn to see whether he needs any help. upon u-turning back, we didn't see him anymore by the roadside. wtf? damn scary as we're just by the roadside of the muslim cemetery. made a u-turn again and drive even slower to catch a clearer glance on the road and suddenly he came out again running over from the road opposite and we pulled over by the roadside. he's wearing sort of like a basketball jersey style top and shorts with bloodstains on his clothes and his face was bleeding and also swelled up. he told us he was beaten up elsewhere and then driven over here for another bashing session before being dumped there. i sent him to the nearest police station over at jurong and and dropped him there and then off to pioneer mall macdonald to eat. home sweet home at around 4.30am.

ouch! i'm having a bad stiff neck and it's troubling me ...

Day 176 of agony

2009-05-25T09:12:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired and there goes my weekend. gotta wait for another weekend again! sigh. pray hard it's not going to be a working weekend for me again.

Day 169 of agony

2009-05-18T14:55:00.000+08:00

went over singapore flyer there to watch the redbull x-fighters last night. one word to describe them is 'fantastic'. the show put out by them was really marvellous and it's the first time i see all the stunts doing right infront of my eyes. places were crowded, but it's really worth watching.

next, went over to cineleisure for movies but seats are only left with the front row. therefore, headed to amk hub to watch 'the uninvited' instead. after movie, went back change into something sloppy followed by paramount. went there for awhile and off to tanjong.

Day 168 of agony

2009-05-17T03:28:00.000+08:00

yesterday would be the first and last time i'm gonna step into rebel. hell boring place, perhaps just happening for the kids. first of all, a typical 'ah beng' place i would say. secondly, it's much more of a sausage party to me instead. lastly, the only two things that i would praise over there is the freaking cool air conditioning down inside, together with all the nice songs.

left there at about 3am plus with boy and headed over to paramount to help pat gain access out for his car. next, went over to taman jurong meet up with sharon for supper at pasir panjang prata house and then back home.

Day 167 of agony

2009-05-16T09:40:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time i last updated my blog. been rather busy with work and somehow some other activities too. well, it's been a long and late night for me this week. so much work and task! luckily today is a hell good day for me, else ...............

attended a so called dialogue session today over at west and then called it a day! almost have to go back east to work, but lucky nope. though it's a good day, but something bad always happen. it rains so heavily when i'm on my way back home, lucky i've got my raincoat with me.

no programs tonight! still gotta wait for boy to come back from range before deciding what to do tonight.

well, thank god it's friday

Day 132 of agony

2009-04-11T04:23:00.000+08:00

it's good friday today!

hasn't been updating for quite sometime. past few weeks has been a hell week for me, as all the trainings are tiring me out. i'm feeling so exhausted!

besides that, weeks are beginning to gets tougher and tougher as i'm already transferred over to the operational side. lots of task to name ...

although everything above sounds rather pathetic, but there's still some enjoying moments still. dbl-oing for weeks, watching movies and the two bis stoning outside cineleisure.

as for yesterday, went dbl-O and wasted 2hrs outside there. went over to resort live band with boy and boon and opened a bottle of martell. ambience there wasn't that bad either. bing, cong and friend came along too.

Day 111 of agony

2009-03-21T05:23:00.000+08:00

feeling so sad and morale is damn freaking low now ..................

i'm such a failure !

Day 99 of agony

2009-03-09T07:08:00.000+08:00

it's turning 100 days tomorrow

yesterday, me & boy went over to 326 for lunch with pat before he go to work. was raining damn heavily & suddenly. went home to change, followed by 105 to town with boy. was fun with all the nonsensical stuffs we did everywhere just like how we were in the past. next was playing pool at lucky plaza while waiting for jas to come.

just the 3 of us when she reached as yalin's brother met a car accident over at pie, therefore, they can only meet us later.

after town, next was bugis where the 2 of us did some nonsense stuffs again. ken & rest came over, while we 3 went walking around and that's when we saw shirley and huifen. after ken & rest left, we waited for ron there and then proceed to kovan-hougang area for teochew porridge. went home after eating which is around 11pm plus. i went out myself again & meet up with ke le. accompanied him as he needs to fetch adrian over to st james. unfortunately on our way, ke le met an accident. that was a shock of my life when i looked over my mirror after filtering left and what i saw was both ke le & adrian together with the bike hit right onto the kerb and the bike just flunged into the drain with the 2 still sitting on it. i stopped immediately and ran over to help them. ke le wasn't able to get himself up as the bike was sitting on his thigh. helped him up and luckily both were alright except for ke le with a small abrasion near his shin. the next toughest thing to do is getting the bike off the drain before the police arrives. was really sweating hard and full strength was exerted while lifting and carrying the bike off the drain back to the road. after we're done, i fetched adrain and we continued our journey to st james. headed over to paramount next.

was already almost 3am when brizo closed. fetched pat and went over sheila's chalet at east coast with those brizo girls. chilled and slacked there for awhile. left around 5am plus and next was home sweet home. reached home at 6am plus again!

the hardest thing to get over in life is my emotions.

don't let me live on this pain

Day 94 of agony

2009-03-04T11:53:00.000+08:00

envious over blissful couples

i'm tired! feeling so tired!

my life is full of downs than ups and heart is being broke again and again whenever it's healing.

un-break my heart

Day 92 of agony

2009-03-02T09:53:00.000+08:00

it's exactly 3 months. hais

it's been raining and raining. went town in the afternoon yesterday to meet up with jash, ken, glenna, shirley for lunch. after lunch, we went over citibank to do up some account stuffs. ron, gab and jas then joined us when we're still at CK tang, next was dinner at far east when sam and kitty joined us.

planned to watch movie after our dinner, but pat called and said ke le asked us to go over speedzone to celebrate angelia's bday. as the rain was still freaking heavy and our cars are parked at ck tang's carpark, all of us took a bus from far east to ck tang's bus stop. kinda fun as all of us have not took bus together for years eversince all of us got our own transport. after collecting our cars, we went over bugis to pick cynn up and then proceed down. ron and cynn left earlier, while the rest of us still stays at speedzone. after the beer beer and beers, i was pulled by paramount boy to pub hop. freaking freaking high after each pubs of whisky! from speedzone to brizo to abbey to speedzone again to abbey again to brizo again and lastly the freaking last 4 packages at abbey. overshot! that calls the end for the drinking.

next was supper at simpang bedok and then home sweet home. was it 6am plus again when i reach home? most likely eventhough i can't recalled.

hate the feeling when thinking came to my mind again when i'm back home after drinking! FUCK

Day 90 of agony

2009-02-28T11:34:00.000+08:00

it's exactly 3 months. hais

woke up at 6pm plus, which is just awhile ago. it's been so long i last slept for so long. 'tired' is the word to describe me and the word 'shag' describes how i'm feeling.

was a hard day yesterday. supposingly the reporting time at marina barrage was 10am, but i reached at 10.30am. wth! packing, packing and packing, cleaning, cleaning and cleaning is what i mainly did throughout the day. not even an hour i'm already sweating like hell over there.

after everyone left, still gotta clear the place up. finally, they released me at 9pm plus whereby some are still there, so gotta sneaked away quietly. with all my barangs barangs, i headed down to paramount for awhile before i went home.

when i reached home, dropped all my barangs barangs, took a bath, get changed and i left home again. as usual, took a bus down to paramount again. chat, slack and drinked while waiting for them to knock off. after they knocked off, went jb together (me, pat, "paramount boy", ke le, siaoahboy and friend) for petrol, cigg, makan and shisha. left at 5am plus and reached home at 6am plus. (realised that i'm home at this timing everyday)

i've never been loved and never am i the one

Day 86 of agony

2009-02-24T09:42:00.000+08:00

maybe i'm the one who's forcing everything to happen right from the beginning!

happy that things turned out the way i wanted so much, but yet it's still revert back to how it was supposingly.

beginning to realise that i'm living in a life of disguise all this while.

living in a life of despair
shattered dreams of a broken-hearted

Day 85 of agony

2009-02-23T07:48:00.000+08:00

i cried again!

went over to LV boutique yesterday with glenna & shirley, followed by my so-called lunch in the evening. ordered my fav. creamy chicken with lots of cheese poured onto it at cine pastamania. after eating, went over bugis to look for cynn and to meet up with ken as well. while waiting for cynn to knock off, all of us slacked in the car to wait for charmaine at the same time.

left bugis at around 10plus and proceed to sgoon garden liquid kitchen to eat. after eating, we headed down to jazz to drink again! tiger and martell! damn suay when playing that game. keep drinking & drinking & drinking till i guess correctly! suay man! besides that, i hate the combi of having beers at the beginning and then switches over to liquor. left at around 4am when pat came over. when i'm home, i started to think again and again. just simply cried again!

Day 80 of agony

2009-02-18T08:35:00.000+08:00

it's turning 3 months soon

a hard day yesterday. neck is feeling damn strain now for doing that stupid cleaning for 5 a/c. spent hours on it! etr was said to be 2am though we ended at 2am plus.

went over to gillian's birthday chalet which is just nearby to give her my greetings and also stayed for awhile. pat came over to find me. after one stick, we left and we had a race. from changi lap all the way to sgoon that took us slightly more that 10mins, but not more than 15mins. reached home, changed and headed to yishun 925 to eat and then to mac for a short slack.

left around 5am plus and while on the way back, emo-ism strucks me again! don't ask me why cause i don't even know why. flashbacks between us just keep appearing on my mind.

i'm missing her badly, loving her so deeply. but all i can do is aimlessly! it's almost 6am when i reached home!

i love u baby tiffany

Day 79 of agony

2009-02-17T09:08:00.000+08:00

i'm not at all happy! why?

again yesterday i took a bus down to paramount, had neat tequila and bourbon coke over there. and next was tanjong pagar where i had 2 vodka orange and bourbon. amount fucking thick, thanks to jerry.

next was geylang for cig and followed by ecp to meet up kaname, joan, al, sab, akira and hell lots to name, for the race. after that was mac breakfast and then yishun for a short slack and ended up that cb kia was there too.

lastly, as usual, just the 2 of us again, home sweet home. was already 6.30am!

Day 78 of agony

2009-02-16T08:30:00.000+08:00

the most saddist valentine's day i had

walking down orchard road, everywhere i see are loving couples holding hands and girls holding on to a bouquet of flowers from their guy. not just the streets, the shops, restaurants, cinema and even the queues at the atm machines are crowded with couples. hais~

after dinner at cine, i headed over to paramount for a drink then followed by tanjong pagar again to drink and lastly changi village to eat before i went home. was already 5am plus when i reached home.

i'm afraid to love, afraid to love so fast. bcoz everytime i fall in love, it never seems to last.

Day 77 of agony

2009-02-15T07:44:00.000+08:00

it's valentine's day and i'm alone.

yesterday was friday the 13^th and i seriously had some heavy drinking. though there isn't much personnel who can play with me last night, i still tried to self-entertained myself by drinking and dancing the night away. henessy followed by martell and waterfall!

to all lucky and fortunate ones, wishing all a happy valentine's day with your love ones. may love blossoms for all lovers over the world.

lastly, thanks C for the so-called valentine's gift. much appreciated!

Day 71 of agony

2009-02-09T10:44:00.000+08:00

it's been so long i last had all this fun.
it's really an enjoyable and unforgettable night!

thanks fellow cliques (bros & sistas) for bringing me all this joys that brightens me up! a nice partying and drinking session made me realised that i have not drank so much for such a long time. i'm back to drinking!

below are some pics among all those taken on fri night.

group pic

me & ken

ron & me

me & patrick

me & yalin

me & cynnthia

shirley & me

me & kawen

me & qiqi

wendy & me

angelia & me

me and the ladies

pic consist of single, attached, married, sadist and emo personnels.

Day 68 of agony

2009-02-06T11:54:00.000+08:00

today is a good day with good deal. how about tomorrow? supposingly to be good as well tomorrow, but everything changed! praying hard that it's not going to be a long night, else no more df for me! *sigh*

face the fact boy! it's over!

when you lose something, it will never come back to you.

Day 67 of agony

2009-02-05T06:21:00.000+08:00

it's easy to love, but it's hard to be loved

cancer - horoscope for the day
Even if you want to be alone, it's ain't easy to break out of your shell and get out into the world.

it hurts when you know the truth that all the love you've showered is not being felt by your love one.

Day 66 of agony

2009-02-04T06:59:00.000+08:00

living in a life of dilemma

love you, want you, need you..
now and forever..

i love you more than ever.

for all those special things you do, though most of all i love you for simply being YOU

it's just so hard to move on........

Day 64 of agony

2009-02-02T15:58:00.000+08:00

it strucks me and i'm thinking it again!

spent the whole day at cousin's house for both lunch and dinner.. nothing much, that's all about it.. going in jb now!

missing those days.............. =(

Day 63 of agony

2009-02-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

the struggling me!

i'm learning.. though it's just so hard for me to do so..

loving someone may be easy for most people, but it's never easy for me at all. i'm thinking, thinking and thinking still..... i love her deeply and my feelings for her is still around just that her presence wasn't with me. i'm jealous, real jealous and yet helpless to it. i guess there's bound to have someone out there who will understand her well and what she wants more than i do. i love her but it doesn't mean i must make her mine even if she don't feel the way like i do. i just hope she will feel happier and more contented with life if she can meet her mr right who will love and dote on her. i'm really learning to think this way and i'm trying real hard. as time goes by she will forget me and memories between us will slowly fade away.

i'm so tired yet i'm blogging at people's house now.

the love we once had will never be forgotten and you're always be my sweetest indulgence.

Day 62 of agony

2009-01-31T09:10:00.000+08:00

it's been two months..............................

finally back to camp today after 2days of mc. i'm so fucking lack of sleep! feeling damn stone when i'm riding to work so so so early in the morning. just simply staring at the road ahead with a blank mind during my journey. wanna sleep now yet can't sleep. it's gonna be a long night again later and tomorrow must leave house early again!

praying for myself to recover soon!

that kind of feelings can never be felt again.

i can only feel it with both eyes shut and a calm mind that brings me back to where i took my first step.

envy envies envied envying envious!

Day 59 of agony

2009-01-28T05:54:00.000+08:00

cny used to be so happy and enjoyable, but now it's so much different.

went grandmas' house of both sides and that's the end of my cny day 1. back home watched tv and stoned throughout the night. no activities, mood or craves on going anywhere.

as for today, day 2 of cny, it's obvious i'm blogging at home right now ................ at such timing. bored!

that's all for my cny, hope everyone had a wonderful cny.

tomorrow will be back to work. hais~

i felt so regret for doing so. all i carried with me are regrets that can never be unchanged!

Day 57 of agony

2009-01-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

a meaningless me!

not at all looking forward to the arrival of CNY! it's no different from any normal day except for the festive mood that is carried on everyone's face.

the new family! poor crayon with only the eyes and eyebrows visible.

Day 56 of agony

2009-01-25T08:45:00.000+08:00

again, thanks for the drink last night. still wondering how you know i'm not feeling good.

i hate all this! it's like a nightmare that happens everynight.

This is a retake of my life
I was her star for many nights
Now the roles have changed
And you're the leading guy in her life
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now cause it won't last
Same script, different cast

Day 55 of agony

2009-01-24T06:18:00.000+08:00

now i realised that i've been a fool. i think all this while since the very beginning, i'm the only one loving and committing to it instead of vice-versa. i ain't the guy with looks at all (basically not even a look fit to be her friend morever her guy). i don't ride big bikes or drive sports car like guys she know who's willing to fetch her out. i'm just pure naive for doing so much things that is real stupid. lost my friends as i refuses to heed their advice and only believe in myself and what i did is worthwhile. definitely i believe my love one and what she did for me is true as well.

but now, everything changes. perhaps all this shouldn't have happened right from the beginning. i did so much more than i ever did for anyone and giving you all my love and the effort i put in, but it's not being felt by you at all or should i say before. in other words, think my presence make those days of yours even much miserable, trying so hard to feel my love but still couldn't feel it.

why must i do so much for you? why did i fetch you all the times to and fro, meeting you everyday without fail, bringing you to places you wanna go, just the two of us going for late supper or desserts during the weekends when you're still not tired, fetching you to school on alternate weeks, attending lectures with you early in the morning, waiting for you alone while you're having lab/tutorials, rushing down once i knocked off even if it's a 4 - 5am thingy just to see you, watching movies you like, washing your clothes when you're at my place, cooking for you. now i know why i did all this. can't blame you cause you didn't ask me to do it and is i myself asking for it and doing it on my own accord. from your view, all this that i'm doing is what supposingly a boyfriend should do.

it's been almost two months. anyone know how miserable i'm still feeling? friends does but she doesn't. people where got time bother such things whereby countless of dates all the times. what am i? just a piece of shit in her life! even how fuck up she causes my life to be right now, i've never regret being with her even if she were to confess that she'd never loved me before or even saying hurtful words to me.

the slits on my wrist, the burn marks on my arm with her name on it, the torturement i did to myself, the sleeps i sacrifices, the effort i made trying to salvage it, the danger i risked to myself trying to numb myself from thinking even how risky my life would be.

i'm really happy this period of time with this group of new friends. but somehow i still couldn't move on. cny is approaching but i'm not at all excited over it. i don't even have the mood and clothes are not even bought yet. hais!

she's living life to it fullest while i'm living life in the darkest

i'm a fool, a real real fool indeed. despite it's already more than once, yet i'm still the same. Pure stupidity!

i've gotta try my very best. it's just too much for me to bear with no one knows how i'm feeling deep within. the feeling is just so terrible!

Day 49 of agony

2009-01-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

just back home. just buang my bike half an hour ago. fuck! right side is already ugly enough yet now is worst on the left side. there goes my paintwork! elbow starts to feel abit pain whereby my neck hasn't recovered yet. luck has never been on my side. what to do? i'm always on the unlucky side of life. you might be thinking why am i not dead instead!

the long year ahead will never be good anymore!

back in 2008, i've lost two loves, skidded twice and just lots of bad bad things that befalls on me. nothing much of the rest bothers me except for losing the one i really love most and putting myself whole-heartedly to it. needless to say, it's gone.

now is 2009. my presence is here but my soul is still stuck in 2008. since i've already lost so many important things that belongs to me in life, is my life the next thing that will be taken off this 2009? the day my presence is not present shall be the day that my life has gone.

recently saw me still sms call me bro yet now do all this behind my back. no wonder people will condemn you. fuck! feeling so damn uneasy.

i've gotta rest. i'm down!

Day 47 of agony

2009-01-16T10:32:00.000+08:00

had a late dinner last night. initial plan was to meet up at far east and yet when i reached there, they sms-ed me to meet at geylang lor 19 instead as they're already on their way there. feel rather pissed off as they should have told me earlier instead of having me already reached there and only when i ask where they are then tell me. sped down to geylang! when i reached there, after 2 sticks, akira and co. arrived. first thing he said to me was. cb, just now you whacked pass me at bugis then jl keep saying that bike is louis! louis!. lols. anyway, had frog legs porridge for dinner as it was sh's birthday. to my surprise they said is celebrating her chinese birthday! first time hear people say celebrate chinese birthday. haha. anyway, don't really know her or should say not at all except just remember seeing once quite some times back. invitation was text to me by 'a', asking me to go as the rest of them are all going and she did invited me as well. after dinner, slacked there while waiting for some others to come.

went to balastier for durians! yummy! everyone went but only a few of us seems so crazy over it, especially hm. stall was closing but ended up still taking us as the last customers. haha. after durians, went over to boatquay and settled down for drinks. unfortunatly, saw a bitch there though she's not enemy of mine. saw tryphena too and had a few words with her. she keep telling her friend that she know the guy in white with his collar up (which is me) but just can't recall his name. haha! i saw her earlier on too and find her so familiar and is only when she keep looking at me then i recalled her name. blame myself for being such a slow poke with a freaking weak memory that seems to be worsening. she then asked where's my bike and it is just right infront of her and she shouted so loudly there it is, the bike with a school bus. make me look so ugly there.

not long later, got chased off by police there so end up got to leave. that how we call it a day. was kinda late already.

will be going for 2nd round makan durian session later, follow by desserts and ah balling. rules set for this time is, whoever delay and come late shall pay for the durians!

thanks for you guys company especially mr. ice kosong who's helping me all along during my emo days. although i can't stop myself completely from thinking, but you guys really helped alot eventhough it's just only a short period of time each day to pull me through. except my brothers, friends of mine always come and go just like my relationships. happy for my brothers that they are happily attached and feel happiness. reason for not contacting frequently or meeting up with you guys are because i wanted you all to go out in couples and i don't wish to tag along as i will think even more seeing all of you being so happy like how i used to be for the 3months after so long.

am i a very weird person? i think i am. i did something online for the 2nd time in my life, but yet i don't know why i don't seems to continue what i wanted. my msn was being added and yet i declined it. what am i doing? next time if i wanna do anything again i will ask myself truthfully what i want and what am i doing that for. sorry to that person!

the gust of wind are blowing everynight.
it's cold and i had my blanket on.
i'm still feeling cold despite the windows are shut and the fan is off.
this feelings has been going on all this while.
it's then i realised that the hugs i had to keep me warm are long gone.

sometimes i realised it wasn't me who doesn't wants to move on or to let go. it's my heart that is still holding on so tightly and having those fondest thoughts so often that are beyond my controls.

'i love you' can never be said to you anymore except only using my heart to tell yours without you knowing it.

it may sounds kinda stupid but love is meant to be silly. and i'm always the silly one!

that's how the word 'hurt' came about in love.

air supply - all out of love

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?

What would you say, if I called on you now
Saying that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone... I'll be gone

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late, I know I was so wrong

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late, I know I was so wrong

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

Day 46 of agony

2009-01-15T10:26:00.000+08:00

A damn tiring day. reached base at 5.30am and arrived at ngee soon camp at around 7am after all the waitings and drawing of arms. despite a damn lousy zeroing in the morning, never did i expect i could get a full marksman when the actual range starts in the afternoon. how i wish my love one is still there to share this joy with me. hais!

expect the unexpected! after knowing stella for so long, only till yesterday then i found out that the both of us are from the same primary school and also from the intake year. too bad i don't have any primary school magazines anymore. not only that, she also stays just right opposite my house in the past. small world!

lonely and boring! *sigh* heading to town now

does the 2 hearts still beats the same like before?

a walk down to memory lane where all memories turned into sorrows~

Day 45 of agony

2009-01-14T09:25:00.000+08:00

nothing much to talk about. all i know is i'm very very tired after all this. really wish i could have a real nice sleep one day and not wondering around every night. work is pulling me down and i really need to have a good sleep in order to have the amount of rest i ought to. i wish i could do that!

having live range tomorrow. gonna be a very tiring day. gotta report there by 6am. *sigh* -.-"

my agony is everyone's happiness.

can i have the smile and the happy me back like those days when i'm with her?

it was her presence that brought me back to how i used to be in the very past, but now everything is gone and i'm back to square one again.

perhaps love.............

Day 44 of agony

2009-01-13T09:41:00.000+08:00

went over to malaysia last night and spent couple of hours there. so coincident that feng wang and some others were there too when i went across to buy ice-cream. back to sg was already past midnight.

e met a bike accident this morning. not sure what exactly happened but was told that he was hit by a car. bike was also said to be in a fucking worst condition state that is beyond repair and gotta scrap. is it really that serious? no idea. gotta go see and find out from the rest.

the love, the bonds, the promises, the hugs, the kisses and those words.
what are they suppose to be?

perhaps everything from the start are just lies i had in my dreams.

Day 43 of agony

2009-01-12T08:31:00.000+08:00

after attending the wake on friday night, went to watch red cliff at 2.30am till almost 5am. after the show, went over to geylang for beancurd and then back home. was already 7am when i reached home.

yesterday went to watch transporter 3 at 12am midnight till 2am plus. after the show, went over to henderson wave just to slack. felt real emo deep inside when i recalled the time we first started and the first time i held her hand there. hais.. what's the point of me still feeling so badly hurt and sad over it whereby people already clean forgotten it and ready to start afresh as a brand new single party with so many guys dating and waiting ahead. i'm already being left so far behind, but why am i still being this fucking way i am. i've been try hard telling myself all this everyday but i just couldn't accept it or change the way i am. it's just so suffering. i may laugh and smile at times, but no ones know exactly how painful is it that i'm feeling inside and facing it all alone. it hurts so badly!

shall see whether any movie to catch later since i can't think of anything that can keep me occupied for the time being. where shall i go?

argh~ still feeling sick and the bad flu just irritates me so much.

The sound of your voice is the music to my ear.
So soft, sweet, and clear.
The kiss from your lips words cannot be explain.
cause it takes away my worries and my pain in the beginning.
all this cannot be felt anymore, except only to be dream of.

Day 42 of agony

2009-01-11T08:28:00.000+08:00

you people just say whatever you all like lah. put everything on me then. she's the hurt party and i'm the one who hurt her. only she's feeling sad yet i'm the one feeling fucking happy now. this is what you people think so lah. so what if you tell me now she give you her number and msn so easily? you think you can simply ask her out and fuck her? ya, perhaps asking her out is a damn fucking easy task, as for fuck see yourself. you are not the only guy whom you think she gave her msn and number out to idiot. if she can give it to you, she can give it to someone else too. wake up lah. so what if you say all this things of her to me to provoke me? do you think it bothers me now? even if i knew it, what can i do? ya, i feel uneasy and i'm unhappy, but i still got to take it. cause i take her as mine, but she don't take me as hers already. anyway, guys knowing her online easily i already knew that before i met her and even when we're together. you want you go ahead and flirt with her or other gals instead of saying all this fuck shits to me.

2009-01-10T09:39:00.000+08:00

i wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
i wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
i wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

Day 41 of agony

2009-01-10T07:54:00.000+08:00

i'm sick again! feeling feverish and having bad flu throughout the day during mrm till now. must be due to my lack of sleep all this days. yesterday night should have worn my jacket out. later going down to funeral again. as for later in the night where i should go, shall see again.

to those fucking chee byes out there, not happy come out talk face to face and don't send messages whereby you know nuts about what's between us that goes wrong. don't be a ostrich for your mother fucking sake. don't act as if trying to show concern and thus hoping can flirt with her or perhaps know her better or understanding her. you guys are just typical bastards just like one fucker name sean who simply add and know bitches through friendster! i repeat once more that i'm not the fucking jerk who broke her heart and stop accusing or thinking i'm the one who does that. you all think she's sad but what about me? all the drinking, smoking, hurting, crying, cutting and be being not able to sleep i did to myself are because of what? do you think anyone who hurt someone already would do all this things to abuse himself? if you think yes, that must be your mother's son!

2009-01-09T10:13:00.000+08:00

everything was a lie.

now i know what i've said was never wrong.

craps shit!

Day 40 of agony

2009-01-09T07:25:00.000+08:00

people always say time will heals the pain, but why am i still feeling so sad and hurt each day with no improvements at all?

haven slept for a single while since yesterday after knocking off till now. back home in the morning and was rushing like hell, preparing myself up and going for technical handling in no.4 with sbo and helmet on, but i never bring my sbo. next week will be going for range and must report by 6am in the morning. wth~

nothing better to do so created a facebook account thinking there might be games for me to play so as to distract my mind from thinking, but i'm not a gamer and i don't play games either. created for nothing! stupid me!

Day 39 of agony

2009-01-08T07:38:00.000+08:00

it's been a long night.
a long long night ahead.

pray for a good night today. gotta rush down to mmk tonight as it is naz's last day working there and he's going back.

a path i've chosen that leds me to all this pain i'm suffering. i've never regret for all this pains that i brought upon myself.

i'm just not worthy!

everyone is leading life happily but not me!

Day 38 of agony

2009-01-07T08:18:00.000+08:00

Possessing it doesn't mean it belongs to u,
but when it's in ur hand, u tend to let go.
everything is appreciated from the start,
but it's still a depression at the end.
I would jump into Einstein Rosen Bridge if it's true
'WAS' is the word to be used

"Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do"

"A million words would not bring you back, I know because I tried, neither would a million tears, I know because I cried"

"I hate this feeling, it's one I know all too well, it's a thing called heartbreak and it hurts like hell"

"It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces"

"The worst feeling in the world is giving all the love you have and knowing it will never be returned"

"I'm afraid to love afraid to love so fast, because every time I fall in love it never seems to last"

"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and i meant nothing to you"

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met"

"My heart was taken by you, broken by you and now it's in pieces because of you"

"Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream"

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself"

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else"

"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime"

"The times we were happy together are worth the times I cry alone"

"I gave you everything but it wasn't enough to make you stay"

"If you love me so much, why are you walking away?"

"My heart bleeds no more since turning to stone"

"Wherever you are, you'll always be in my heart"

"Cry as I may these tears won’t wash you away"

"While I was holding on, all you did was let go"

"The hardest to do is waking up without you."

"Tears are words the hard can't express"

"I miss you more than you'll ever know"

"Loving you was my favorite mistake"

"When you left, I lost a part of me"

Day 37 of agony

2009-01-06T07:02:00.000+08:00

throughout my life till now, the one i realised that i loved most yet turns out to be the one who hurts me most deeply.

2009-01-05T12:58:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i just feel my life is so ruin up!

when can i have the real smile back on my face instead of putting on a fake smile and brave front all this while.

i don't know! i need some fresh air and spaces to breathe.

Day 36 of agony

2009-01-05T09:08:00.000+08:00

the pain i carried with me everyday.

love is so special!

its able to make you the most happiest person in the world, yet it can also make the worst out of you in life.

love is so profound.

sigh, i wish i could have a better understanding of it.

now i know you're right. even how miserable i am, how heart-breaking i felt and how i hurt, cut and self abusing myself, she will not even see or feel anything over it. who's gonna bother how i'm feeling and what fuck shits i did to myself again. answer is no one

living and counting each day that goes by.

Day 35 of agony

2009-01-04T05:38:00.000+08:00

the name on the skin, the slits on the wrist. i'm so naive!

watched the movie australia last night at the cathay. buying a ticket without knowing how long is the show duration, what's the show about and etc. initially i wanted to watch the 7.30pm session and i rushed to bath and then went down straight, but the usual unlucky me still missed that session the moment i reached cause this fucking taxi driver aggressively refused to give way to me and made me almost got hit by another car. he himself wanted to turn left but yet wasn't in the correct lane. you're lucky to have stopped when the lights turn red. if i were to have stopped right beside you i'll scratch your cab for sure cause you not just only made me almost got involve in an accident, you even made me kanna additional 2 erps for nothing, fucker!

shall continue on the part after that fucktard cabbie. i missed the earlier timing for the earlier showcase so i bought the next session at 9.30pm. the 2hours before the show start, went walking around killing time and lastly i settled down at macdonald house's long john. while slurping on my coke and munchy on my fries, i realised the last time i ate in this branch was with you while you're studying for your class test. not just that, the table and chair i sat on was also the same. again i'm emo-ing, fuck! the movie duration was about 2hrs 45mins and i slept for almost 30mins in the middle part of the show. wondered did i snore anot because the uncle besides me seems enthu throughout the entire show, so i hope i didn't snore or did anything that irritates him. after the show at about 12.45am, went over to cine outside for a smoke while thinking where i should go next. saw one of my bmt kaki and have a few words with him after so long never seen each other except the last time when we pop.

it seems like i'm real stupid now. everything seems clearer to me and now i know a leopard will never change its spots.

paehc os kool uoy sekam ti.

pains are brought deeper to me. why everyone can live their life happily but not me.? why is it when i finally thought i become the happiest guy just like others and yet my life and fate changes again? how badly it hurts seeing other couples outside being so loving and yet i can't have a love like them. you'll never know!

Day 34 of agony

2009-01-03T09:46:00.000+08:00

a complete body with a dead heart, walking without a soul.
part of me is dead, but blood are still dripping.

needless to say, i'm at tg again last night. thanks for the new housepours flavour made for me knowing i'm already sick of the previous one after drinking that for almost every night since don't know when. best thing is the thick liquor added to it man! appreciated!

the fight last night was so dramatical. opponents was constantly apologizing but too bad, blame them on their luck when two kicks and one punch was being given to them and there goes the bish bash bish. there's no where for them to run when they are surrounded in the center squating down and all that can be heard are crying for help. come on, this is singapore not malaysia. you fucking malaysians keep calling people down from four become eight so what? how many people can you call? low class malaysians with no sense of fashion.

where shall i go tonight? anyone can give some suggestion of places that a lonely soul can go? i've been to most places already and i really can't think of any now.

to that fucking _ _ _ _ _ _ _ from _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. don't think i've got no ways to track you down and get to see you face to face one day. i've already got my way and now i'm just waiting for you to initiate everything which will definitely work given such instinct you've got. like to say and comment so much right? thinking i'm dead right. nvm, shall see! you like poking your nose into people's problem without realising it's now becoming your own fucking problem.

Day 33 of agony

2009-01-02T14:45:00.000+08:00

my sorrows for 2008 is still being brought over to 2009.

new year 2009 doesn't seems like a fresh year for me to start my life over again, cause i'm still stuck at where i've fallen since the day she left. There are things i felt so sad and disappointed with. hais!

thanks for all the free house pours from you every night to keep me going on with each day. past few days were rather sad especially on the 28 last month which is actually our fourth month anniversary, but we won't be able to spent that particular day together anymore. on that night of 28, i felt real emo and really wanted to cry again. therefore, i went over to ps to catch a movie alone followed by dessert at chinatown that i once brought you there before the week that we broke off. if you still do remember where we went right after our dessert, that is where i went after that. i crossed the bridge and walked by the riverside alone. feelings is just so different. i missed the time we spent our time together and flashes of you keep coming across my mind. the pictures we taken at the bridge, the ice-cream we ate while walking by the river, the traces we have left all over and the memories that are left behind. it's just so hurting and unforgettable.

and on the 30th which is exactly one month you've left me while i'm still holding on. as usual, this day will definitely be the moment that i'm most down and emo. went over to drink again as well as to collect my cigg. he scolded me for being stupid and i admit to it. he's not the first one saying why am i still holding on, torturing myself like this and waiting like this whereby she won't even know or give a shit to it. she's happy with love while i'm drowning with tears. sorry people, i can only say i love her too much and is already beyond my limits. don't wish to say anymore cause i'm feeling emo again.

finally it's 1st jan but it's still the same old me. thanks stella, i know you meant well for me. although you said it's now a fresh year ahead and i should put everything behind and start anew, but it's really hard. no mood for anything.

still gotta work tomorrow and where shall i spent my night tomorrow again? stressed! i'm broke, really broke. argh~

down with bad flu and cough again this morning. i've been sneezing since morning till now non-stop wtf. can't stay at home anymore. shall end here and go out now.